lupine and tottomori
I saw the first lupine of the year today. I'm right back where I was, and it's comfortable to notice the ways in which I haven't made any "progress" at all. I remember now that time is not supposed to be linear. We are animals. We have cycles, not lines. Our very lives are part of cycles, giant global cycles that have been going on and on for..... so long...... I'm growing so, so tired of the ways we're forced to go against our nature every day. Every day. I'm in an on feeling now, where leaning into inspiration feels a bit like poking a bruise. I'm full of so many feelings and. I just have to sit here and write this essay about one aspect of a war system that is dysfunctional. and I care about this, I do, I chose, committed, to care about this for three months but only because "consume and process this slowly, over time, like an animal" was not an option and because I've been made a coward. I'm going to go do it as poorly as I need to do it to get it done. and then I'm going to shower. and then I will keep working on it even when it will not add to my grade (it may already not be adding to my grade) because I am paying for an education, not a transcript.
You're a beautiful creature. Thank you for reading this. I love you so much.