i can't leave this place

11 Oct, 2026

It's been a while. Over the summer, I met someone. Everything is different. I'm so changed. I've deleted Instagram, and I feel like I know myself better, like I'm finally living as myself instead of analyzing and documenting him. I may have written about that once, about the dopamine of "knowing" yourself and how it's become so easy to choose that instead of living.

I've spent some time in nature ("nature..."), as of late, that has felt both more connected to the land than ever and also as far from hearing her voice as I've been. I had an assignment for Vertebrate Zoology: be in nature for 30 minutes, then write the first 10 questions that come to mind. I did my time in the Hoyt Arboretum.

1. I think I need to stay. How will I fight?
2. What drives me? What is my "intuition"? What are my values?
3. What is my role in our Great Learning?
4. Do birds feel a rush when they fly? When they dive? When they love?
5. We are two desperate bodies, pleading. What's on the other side?
6. Who are my seasonal markers and teachers?
7. What are my seasons—who do I mark for?
8. Do I believe in signs? What are they?
9. Why do I need to be known?
10. Who else needs to be known?

I think about number 5 a lot. It's what it felt like, the simultaneous connection to and distance from the Earth. I don't think I can leave this place. I can't let her die. I need to figure out how to stay and fight.